Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
— From The Lost Art of Listening
By Dr. Michael P. Nichols, Ph.D
(Guilford Press, New York, 1995)* * * *
“You must understand this, my beloved, let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.”
— James 1: 19
He or she is called “man’s best friend” cause he or she perks up his or her ears and just listens to you without interruption, judgment, insult or anything else. He or she loves you completely and therefore will listen to you even when it seems no one else will.
As I mentioned in this blog’s last posting about listening–which I went back and re-wrote a bit if you want to re-visit it for this followup–I said that we oftentimes tend not to listen to what someone is saying because we’re busy concocting a reply before the other is done speaking.
In Michael P. Nichols’ excellent book The Lost Art of Listening–*a book I commend to you–he noted this:
“We tend to think that listening is the same as hearing; but listening really is being alert to those situations in which the person you’re with needs to be understood.
“Listening problems can be serious, not only at work, but with family and friends.
- “Many times we jump in to say what’s on our minds–before we’ve even acknowledged what the other person has said–short circuiting the possibility of mutual understanding.
“Speaking without listening, hearing without understanding is like snipping an electrical cord in two, then plugging it in anyway, hoping somehow that something will light up.
“Most of the time we don’t deliberately set out to break the connection. In fact, we’re often baffled and dismayed by a feeling of being left sitting around in the dark. . . ”
Nichols notes that careful listening is difficult and takes practice to improve.
“Try harder to understand the other person’s perspective,” he says. “That takes an expression of caring enough to listen.
“Listening isn’t a need we have; it’s a gift we give.”
A big amen to that.
Good, attentive listening is a gift that keeps on giving in any and every relationship we have, be it in our family and circle of friends, at work, at our house of worship–anywhere.
Some questions to ask yourself in self-monitoring as a listener in even the most casual of conversations is, “Am I generally interested in what this person has to say, or I am interested in being interesting? or am I most interested in countering the opinion he or she is expressing? or am I more interested in telling this person what they should do, or not do?”
Jesus and the Apostolic Christians weren’t the least bit interested in being interesting.
In addition to hearing God through prayer and meditation and worship and all the rest, they were interested mainly in hearing what others had to say. Inside and outside of their house churches (and most churches for 300 years were house churches!), they were interested in hearing people’s joys, but also if not more so hearing their needs and concerns, their problems and worries.
They listened and learned what people needed in terms of food, clothing, healing–and then provided. (Please take note if you ever go on a church mission trip in your town or across the ocean wide–you don’t tell people what they need, or what they need to do or not do; you listen to their stories, learn about the community or culture they’re living in, build a rapport, ask what they need, and then provide that material need along with providing and showing the love and Spirit of Christ to them. But you build trust only by listening, not by telling.)
The early Christians were interested in lending genuinely interested and caring ears to others–in really hearing others.
When it comes right down to it, you can’t very well love God and others without practicing the art of listening.
You have to listen in order to love, so love to listen.
*To get to Nichols’ book click here.
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